Hell Froze Over

http://unicaivah.blogspot.com

my multiply blogs are cross posted here.

I changed my friendster and multiply profile. New year, new profile, new me? I guess so. I think the change in profile is symbolic, because it also shows the changes in me since the past years. I changed almost the whole profile- - however some small details remained the same — just like what I went through. The change in me last year was so drastic (from stupid martyr last 2006 to pampered princess last 2007 to bridezilla this 2008) yet, there are still things that did not change.

I noticed my change in tastes. I no longer like some of the stuff i used to (gothic stuff etc). I grudgingly admit I’m slowly turning into a girl, my interests transforming from rugged to sexy. I’m forced to mature and primp myself up for my beloved, lest he leave me hahaha! Kidding. But my interest in bags, shoes and tops increased alarmingly. I found myself wanting to learn how to do the "smokey eyes" (i’ll be damned haha!) and the unruly curly look (which I achieved last Noche Buena, see my profile pix). I also became a fan of the "out of bed" look (which I also achieved last Noche Buena, when my unruly curls got limp already haha! See my profile pix). I chopped off a part of my bangs to try to achieve the "angled bangs" look, whick sometimes works — on a good hair day. Otherwise, my officemates ask me,

"Bakit parang ang gulo-gulo ng buhok mo?"

To which I retort,"Hmmp! Style yan!"

Yep, the boy is turning into a lady. Hahaha!

Seriously, the change in me is more than superficial. In fact, changing my looks usually signifies an internal change. I usually change something about the way I look when I resolve to change / move on / improve something. I feel like a change in the outside completes my change on the inside. Ever since I got engaged, my priorities, goals and dreams have changed. I have learned a lot, but I still have to learn a lot, pun intended. Planning for something that is life-changing suddenly forces you to grow up and it molds you into someone more mature, practical and decisive. It makes you organized, responsible and firm. You have to know what you want. If you don’t, you have to learn to know what you want… and eventually get it. Yep, that’s how it’s gonna be — for me, at least.

I’m looking forward to the year ahead of me. It will be crazy and exhausting, stressful but fun. I’ll be making lots of discoveries about myself and my beloved, and the people around me. I would be meeting different people, dealing, trusting and hoping they don’t frustrate the crap out of me. I hope to strengthen my faith as I’ll be lifting everything to God, hoping to be reminded that if things don’t go as planned, He has a reason for it. And most of all, I look forward to starting a whole new life with the man that I know God has intended for me — because it’s meant to be when He means it to be.

I’m not a coffee fanatic and I always go for non-caffiene drinks but I love spending time in coffee shops, chatting with friends, gossiping about other people (with my soul-burning partner Jen R. haha) or just reading a book. Heck, I worked in the E-banking hub INSIDE Starbucks Chinabank for several months, so I’ve learned to inhale the aroma of roasted beans for hours at a time.

I’ve also spent countless dates in coffee shops with the men who became part of my life (some, regrettably) and have spent hours talking about anything, sometimes alluding to a future together. There was always the same scene in every relationship: "cozy coffee shop, lazy afternoon, having "our future" talks over hot or cold drinks". But those relationships ended up the same way — vamoose! Yep. Deja Vu.

  However, last Saturday’s Starbucks trip in Greenbelt 3 with my fiance proved to be different. This wasn’t just another "cozy coffee shop, lazy weekend afternoon, and ‘our future’ talks over drinks" (and cinnamon roll) kinda thing. This time, our future was as clear as the bakery case beside the counter. We had a future, and the man sitting across the table from us is going to document it. His name is Buddy.

Buddy Gancenia, a Reality Wedding Videographer, is going to make sure i have something to bitch-slap myself with if ever I start having an early mid-life crisis.

I think I just sealed my future — amidst coffee and love.

The effect of the Glorietta blast can be felt throughout the country, as it becomes the obvious topic of discussion in households and offices alike. In fact, my late night phone conversation with my fiancé consisted of repeating what I saw in the news (he was still on his way home during primetime news) and an animated conversation about the differences of bombs and LPGs. However, he told me that he asked our friend this interesting question:

Could it have been a suicide bomber?

Our friend’s reply couldn’t have been more direct.

“Hindi pa ready maging suicide bomber ang Pinoy.”

True. But is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I am not an accurate follower of the news to claim that there was never a suicide bombing done by a Filipino, but I can safely say that suicide bombing was never a Pinoy thing. We hear about it in Afghanistan, in Pakistan and in some countries in the Middle East and abroad, but rarely here in the Philippines. Now, is this a good thing to be said about us, or not? Yes, there is no question that it is a mortal sin, but I’m looking beyond the morality issue. Does it mean that Pinoys don’t have the guts to die for a cause like the suicide bombers did? Does it mean that Pinoys are not as dedicated as the suicide bombers were? Does that mean that at the end of the day, Pinoys would still want to save their own butts? Does that mean that Pinoys would eventually throw principles and ideals out the window if faced with the choice of dying for a cause?

In my own opinion, I think being a predominantly Catholic country taught us that killing ourselves along with others is a bad thing to do. Filipinos really have a love for life that it would be pretty hard to short circuit our brains into thinking that we would go to Nirvana if we die wearing a C-4 accessorized vest. However, I think Filipinos prefer not just to die for a cause, but to die fighting for it, like our soldiers do as we speak. Survival is an instinct, that’s why our soldiers have guns to shoot those bastards with. Pinoys can be as dedicated as hell about something – even to a fault that they fight for some demented leader with demented ideals. Some people indeed throw principles and ideals out the window even at the slightest smell of money, but hey, that’s not just Filipinos – that’s humanity we’re talking about.

I think it’s good that we are not self-destructive in nature. Unfortunately, we are not exactly life-preserving either. Getting your way through bribery and corruption is something humans would do. But planting an explosive in a mall – or anywhere for that matter – is pure evil.

So, I don’t think it’s a suicide bomber. (I hope not.)

It’s the devil incarnate.

“Move on.” 2 short words but (one of the) hardest things to do.

“Coz someday, someone’s gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone’s gonna take your place
One day i’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i won’t even miss you
Someday, someday”

I know the pains of break-ups. Needless to say, I have been through it a number of times, and it is never easy, nor is it painless, especially if we were the ones left behind – after we gave them everything. The memories will always be there, the loneliness is persistent, the hurt and the pain still stings. Everything has changed and the world is falling apart, crumbling down in its cruel glory. I know. It was a familiar feeling not too long ago.

So then, what will happen to us? The world does not revolve around us; nor would it stop spinning to mourn with us. Thus, the two hardest words: “Move on.”

Oh, and probably the 2nd hardest word? “Acceptance.”

What could I do? I couldn’t die. I didn’t want to lie in a vegetative state forever. So I had to change my frame of mind. I had to prove to myself and to everyone around me that I can recover. I had to do things FOR ME, and not for him or whoever. Because this time, I knew I deserved to think of MYSELF.

So then I told myself: Go out, have fun, go on dates. There is a whole new world out there. Go to the GYM. Not only would you look good, you will also meet new people, and new possibilities.

Have pride, have dignity. Do not run after whoever, especially if that person was the one who chose to leave. Because the mere fact that the person chose to end the relationship already meant that something is already wrong with it.  If the person grudgingly consented to reconcile with you, can you honestly live with the thought that he might be merely forced to do it out of pity? I can NOT handle that. The thought alone gives me more determination to move the hell on.

Here’s a fact. Whether we like it or not, what happens to us emotionally after the breakup is NO LONGER the fault of the other person. Unless, of course, he rubs it in your face on purpose. Otherwise, if we find out about his post-breakup happiness or problems because of our own efforts (checking out his friendster/myspace/multiply/YM or making contact with the person or asking his friends about him etc) then WE ARE TO BLAME if we feel hurt all over again. Why? Because it is ultimately OUR CHOICE: either make ourselves suffer or not.  I’m guilty of all these, because I have been through it and I have learned from it. I’m not saying that the other person is faultless even if he did something wrong – but we are talking about how to move on here, and the point is not to hold grudges, and not to hold on at all.

Do it for yourself. Let go. Believe me, it’s easier, with less torment and humiliation. Have pride, have dignity. Chin up, face the world. We may be hurting inside, but our determination to feel good about ourselves will eventually get the better of us. And sooner or later, we will feel good.

Remember: How we feel right now (because of our own doing) it is our own fault.

Do you want to be happy?
Then do something about it.
Learn to let go.

(This is dedicated to my friends who are going through this now, especially Arlene. Sis, I love you, and I hate seeing you like that. Unfortunately, only you can pick yourself up. I hope you do, the soonest possible time.)

Well, we’re back in Manila, and back to the reality that bites. It has already dawned into me that i again have to work to recover what i spent…

The experience was rewarding, the place was English-friendly — all the signs always had english translations (Thank God for British rule). If you go there, go there for Disneyland and Ocean Park, because shopping is not the main attraction anymore. you can hardly buy anything there that’s not already here. Being involved in the bazaar business, i basically know the products in bazaars in Manila, and there is almost no difference with the Ladies’ Night Market there and the night markets here. Actually, sometimes it’s even more expensive in HK. however, when the boutiques in HK have a sale, it really is a SALE. You get good deals.

But more than that, at least i got to do what i’ve been wanting to do since i learned how to spell "HongKong" — actually go there. This was the longest vacation i had since i started working and i was able to give myself a long overdue break from reality. I think that 280-feet drop aboard that darned roller coaster (Mine Train) shook the neurons out of my brain and left me temporarily disoriented — it made me forget about almost everything.

So then, snapping out of my reverie, i’m back home. Almost immediately, i started thinking of the bills i had to pay, the work i had to do, the meeting i had to coordinate. however, it felt good being home, giving pasalubong to my parents and loved ones. But most of all, it felt good to be back in the arms of the one i love, to see him patiently waiting for me at the airport even if my flight arrived at midnight. This is the reality i want to wake up to everyday.

Thanks G-ann for being Mother Hen and leading this trip (kahit naligaw tau hehe).

Thanks Jemmi for being my shopping partner (with matching shoes for our Dads).

Thanks Ivan for carrying my purple backpack (plus Grace’s big and bulky pasalubong hehe).

And thanks jon, for picking me up from the airport at midnight despite the early office day the next day.

I’m about to go on a vacation i so rightly deserve. I know I have to enjoy and cherish every waking moment coz i’m counting years till i can do this again. However, I think the next time will be sweeter because I might already be married then. =)

However, I wonder, are vacations really advisable? Going on a vacation allows me to escape from the reality that bites me (until God knows when) — for a few days max. But when the plane lands back on Philippines soil… its a rough landing back to reality as well. The problems. The bites. The far-fetched solutions. So if I know i would end up in the same sh!t, why even bother trying to disillusion myself for a few days?

Well, primarily it’s because everybody deserves a break from the drama. We deserve to reap the fruits of our hard labor (even if my fruits are unfortunately not with me). We deserve to enjoy. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die. Or so they say.

One good thing about coming back home from this trip is that (aside from the fact that I could be with my loved ones again) my beloved and I have important things to discuss about our future. Hmm.. almost makes me want to go back home even before leaving. =)

For the meantime, I do hope I’d enjoy this one. This one’s for me, for a change.

Karma. Reality.


(Due to the drastic turn of events, i have decided to edit the original content of this blog. )




We all suffer the consequences of our actions. A few minutes ago I was faced with the reality that there are things that we have no control over. It rains and pours for some people — both good and bad. Karma? Probably. What goes around comes around. But there is no denying the fact that sh!t happens in our lives — and for some, maybe all the time.


I recognize the sudden turn of events in someone’s life. Things suddenly spun out of control. I wish there was something I could do to help — but all i could do is to offer a sympathetic ear. I don’t have any control over whatever is happening, especially since I’m not even supposed to exist. Maybe my purpose in this person’t life is to be the breathing ground — an opportunity to let all the emotions out — while hiding in the background.


Reality. It does bite.


I embrace the reality that such things do happen. Again, sh!t happens. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. True. When you wake up still breathing even if everything around you seems to be bent on working for your early demise (read: death), then you’re not dead, even if you wish you were. You’re supposed to be stronger. And only you can make yourself stronger.


Amidst the terror of going down, there is always a force more powerful than ourselves. A force that dominates everything around us. The same force could pluck us out of the depths we’re in. Some may call it whatever they want to. I call it God. There is always HIM.

got in too early here in the office… the silence around me is almost unbearable… in my solitary state it’s inevitable that i think (yes i do think) about my life… new year, new life…

Everything is starting to fall into place — I now have some answers to the questions i used to ask and to the situations i used to question God for. I realized that if i look at the smaller picture, i did not deserve what i went through. I was asking God if this was the price to pay for trying to be a good person. I was desperate for answers but at the same time dreading what they were. But then again, i still had faith in Him, knowing that sooner or later, I would understand. And now I do.

It always happens to me, this cycle — i live, i love, i get hurt, i survive, and i love again. But no, i am not scared nor cynical about anything. Living is always there, loving is something i will always do, and hurting is part of our lives. Surviving is relative — it depends on the person how he/she copes with everything. But since i know i have God, my family and my friends, i will always survive. And now i have.

I’m ready to face my new life, make new decisions, face new challenges.

I forgive but do not forget, so i will continue to learn from it.

"ATM Center, good morning this is Evaaaaaaaaah…."

Whew! Apat na taon din un! OCT 16 2002, nangangatog akong pumasok ng 7:25am pra sa shift kong 8:30am sa unang araw ko sa ATM Center…

sa AUG 15 2006, anong oras kaya ako aalis sa huling araw ko sa ATM Center?

Alam kong hindi nmn big deal ang pagreresign. Alam kong andami-dami nang gumawa nun (record breaking ang year na ‘to db?).. Pero cyempre hindi tlga madali. First time ko kasi magreresign eh. Ang dami kong hindi alam.

1. paano ba magpaalam sa mga taong nakasama mo araw-araw, sa loob ng ilang taon?

2. paano ba magpasalamat sa lahat ng mga alaala na iniwan nila sa iyo?

3. at higit sa lahat, paano ba maglinis ng locker na apat na taon mong ginamit? madami-dami ding gamit un…

Pero sa totoo lng, mamimiss ko ang mga tao sa ATM Center… cyempre ka-puso’t ka-pamilya ko na din sila… magkikita kita din tyo peeps… sabihan nyoko kng may gimik ha… hehehe…

T.C.C.I.C.

I.T.A.L.Y.

J.A.P.A.N.

H.O.L.L.A.N.D. (ano, alam nyo to? Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies! o, san ka pa? lolz)